THirty-Third Contest First Place

The sky is above me, deep blue and so distant 
Filled with the silver of dreams that will never be mine 
It reminds me of you 
Of all the things I have let pass me by 
 
In the years you were there 
I knew I could never have you 
So I didn’t even try 
Those bright things in life were never meant for me 
I sat in a corner, looking at you all day 
Whispering to myself 
“I don’t even want him, I don’t even want him” 
I convinced my heart it could live off the crumbs that fell from your pockets 
The gazes that I stole 
Like a poor beggar girl who won’t hold out her hand 
Too proud and yet needy 
Starving but reluctant 
 
I never was good at catching chances 
I watch trains slowly leave the station 
A suitcase in my arms. A ticket crumpled in my fist 
I yearn but I can’t get myself to grasp 
Until it is too late, until it’s in the past 
I act on regret but never on impulse 
I deny my need, I push my hunger down 
So I don’t have to ask, to plead, to require 
I pretend I’m all right. Strong, cold, and inhumane  
So I never expect and I never suffer 
 
I don’t set out to conceal or to lie 
But I can’t say the words, I can’t let down my guard 
I’m so good at this game I am blind to myself 
I deceive my own mind into self-sufficiency 
Until no one’s around, and I have lost it all  
I am only broken with your back turned on me 
 
I can’t speak of my pain. Not in the present tense 
I am only ever truthful in hindsight 
I will choke on my pride before I ever bow 
As long as I don’t crave, I don’t ever yield 
And if I never cave, I never have to feel 
It’s the rules of this farce that I play with myself 
I will mourn in a year what I have lost today 
 
I have spent a decade, looking up into the night 
Watching the Earth revolve as I’m perfectly still 
Breaking my neck by waiting for a sign 
Yet I have missed so many shooting stars 
I only make a wish on the faintest trails 
The last dying sparkle before it is all dark 
I’m a bad believer. I lack sufficient faith 
I only beg to those blind, blackened skies 
Only pray in the hollow hours 
When no one can see and no one can hear 
 
When you were there, I was silent and cold 
I watched you walk away, chanting to myself 
“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine” 
And only once you were fully gone 
Once there wasn’t the smallest trace of you 
I cried out in agony 
Not your name, not a word 
Just the soul-splitting scream of losing what you love 
I have never touched you, I was closed and distant 
Always late, always two steps behind 
So I open my arms and embrace your absence 
Another delayed wish, another overdue confession 
One more failed attempt at catching a comet 
I’m a bad believer. I simply cannot trust 
I’ll keep nothing of you, just ash from your cigarette 
My chance is gone. The train has left. The star has trailed past 
And my hands are empty and covered in star dust